Well, now that this long election cycle is finally over, and we know who our president for the next 4 years will be, I though it might be fun to travel back down the road that got us here. And when I say road, I mean the road that was paved in political bloopers. I've mined the internet and my memory for as many gaffes by various politicians as I could find, and all I can say is...what a long, STRANGE trip it's been. So with that, I give you Part One of A Timeline of Gaffes committed by various key political figures leading up to the 2008 presidential election.
We start in the beginning of 2007, when no one had the faintest idea as to whose big mugs we'd be watching pasted up next to electoral maps on Election Night.
February 17, 2007 - Redecorating with the Iron Curtain
At a town hall meeting in Des Moines, John McCain lapses into momentary geographical almagamation as he relays to a group of baffled Iowans that he recently attended a conference where he listened to "President Putin of Germany" deliver a cold-war styled speech. Now would that be the Germany that's located in Russia or the Germany that is merely is undergoing some last-minute unexpected personnel changes?
May 8, 2007 - Now THAT is a TORNADO
In what could either be described as a horrendously poor grasp of math, or an aggressive need to slander tornadoes, Barack Obama butchers the reported casualties of a recent tornado in Kansas by omitting a 2, and adding 4 zeros. The tornado-turned-SUPER-HORRIBLE-TORNADO killed approximately 10,000 people, according to Obama, to the surprise of the residents of Kansas who thus far had only found 12 casualties.
May 31, 2007 - Mmm hmmmm.....
From the heart of Silicon Valley, Hillary Clinton unveils her new plan for technological growth within the private sector at a conference with CEOs of some of the top companies of the field. However, Clinton's plan apparently ignores the need within the technological arena for a robust spell-checking program or basic knowledge of words in general. Delivering the components of her plans to the audience, Hillary stands at the podium in front of a huge banner emblazoned with the slogan, "New Jobs for Tommorrow." Oh Mmy!
July 27, 2007 - Err-ugala
Out on the trail in Adel, Iowa, Obama briefly exchanges his slogan of "Yes we can" for "No you di'nt!" In an effort to commiserate with the local attendees to his rally about rising food costs, Obama tries to pull off a Can-I-Get-a-Witness moment by asking if anyone has seen the prices of arugula lately at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, only members of that audience who had recently crossed states lines are able to relate as there ARE NO WHOLE FOODS STORES IN IOWA. However, the incident does not turn out to be all for naught: the official salad ingredient for the campaign is now nominated, and Obama earns himself the prized nickname of Barack Aragulabama.
August 7, 2007: You say Prime Minister, I say President
In Chicago, Obama proves that he can not see Canada or at least its elected officials from his house as he announces that he will be calling on the president of Canada to aid in amending NAFTA. Senator Obama, we know that Americans don't know anything about Canada, but you don't have to advertise it! They have a Prime Minister up there, eh.
September 23, 2007 - Thank You Folks, Bob Will Be Here All Week!!
During an interview with Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation, Hillary Clinton responds to a question about whether or not her health plan would be socialistic by laughing as if she is being tickled while peaking on LSD. And then, when she's done laughing, she laughs some more. And then she apologizes, and then she laughs again. It goes on forever. Did we miss something off-camera? I mean, it's no mystery that Universal Health Care is a subject ripe with comedic value, but get a hold of yourself, Senator!
November 26, 2007 - AS IF!!
Hillary Clinton, in an interview with Katie Couric, scoffs at the notion that Obama will beat her for the democratic nomination. When Katie presses, asking,"If it's not you, how disappointed will you be?" Hillary responds with, "Well, it will be me." Yeah...I don't have to say why that's funny, right?
January 7, 2008 - You Mean We've Been Celebrating the Wrong Dude's Birthday All This Time?
In trying to hit home the point that actions speak louder than words (for obvious reasons), Hillary Clinton proclaims that "Dr King's dream began to be realized when President Lyndon Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It took a president to get it done." In one fell swoop, Hillary Clinton manages to minimize Martin Luther King's impact on civil rights and offend African-Americans across the nation.
January 21, 2008 - Who Let the White Dude Out?
Watching Mitt Romney quoting a hip hop song is like watching Satan try to sing "Jingle Bells." During an MLK celebration, Romney poses for a photograph with a gaggle of African-American youths and decides that now is the perfect time to offer up his own rendition of The Baha Men's dance club classic, "Who Let the Dogs Out." Cue awkward laughter from surrounding kids and gaffe sirens back at Romney's campaign headquarters.
March 18, 2008 - Common Knowledge, Huh?
Live from Jordan, John McCain shows that it's not really necessary to know thy enemy as he declares that "Al-Qaida is going back into Iran and is receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran.That's well-known." Fortunately, BFF Joe Lieberman is on hand to quietly remind McCain that, in fact, Shiites are not Sunni and Sunnis are not Shiites. Iraq, Iran...Tomato, Tom-ah-to! Oh, let's call the whole thing off...
March 24, 2008 - Who Asked YOU, Sinbad?
Perhaps the most painful aspect of watching Hillary Clinton warmly reminisce on that joyful family moment she shared with daughter Chelsea running for cover amid sniper fire in Tuzla, Bosnia is how many details she is able to recall about a completely imaginary incident. Unfortunately, her fond reveries are abruptly shattered by comedian and entertainer Sinbad who reports that his recollection of that day proves to be entirely different. No sniper fire, no running from helicopters, just a young Bosnian girl in a pigtail reciting a very nice poem. Subsequently, Senator Clinton is forced to indulge in the most unpalatable meal ever: her own words.
March 29, 2008 - Can't You Just Send Them To Their Room?
During a speech in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, Obama comes out against cruel and unusual parenting methods by asserting that he does not want his daughters to be "punished with a baby." Kudos to Senator Obama for his strong convictions against using babies as blunt-force objects.
March 30, 2008: GUTTERBALL!!
If someone in campaign events coordination didn't lose their job over this one, then they should have. Memo to Campaign Staffers Everywhere: Before you send your candidate to participate in a bowling event, make sure that he/she is not the WORLD's WORST BOWLER. Points scored with the nation's working class bowling sector: SO none.
May 5, 2008: Tiptoe Through The Tims
Not one, not two, but THREE times during an interview on the Today show, Barack Obama addresses Matt Lauer as "Tim." Tim? Tim who? Where is this Tim? You know that when softball lobber Matt Lauer has to pause in his questioning to remind you that you're not, in fact, talking with Tim Russert on Meet The Press, you've just stepped in a big pile of it. In his defense, Obama points out that both anchors do work for the same station. *snort* Nice try.
May 9, 2008: Subtraction Distraction
Beavertonians in Oregon were stunned to learn from Barack Obama that their state was one of 60 in the union. According to Obama's curious mathematical calculations 50 states minus Alaska and Hawaii and also minus some other state equals...57. Huh?
May 23, 2008: How's it going Sunshine!
In the last of a string of incidents that might qualify May 2008 as Obama's Worst Gaffe Month Ever, the senator greeted and continued to hail the town of Sunrise in the Sunrise, I mean Sunshine state of Florida, as Sunshine. Apparently the sunshine coming from the sunrise was shining sun on Obama's teleprompter.
May 23, 2008: Be Careful What You Ask Santa For, Hillary
In a press conference in Brandon, South Dakota, Hillary Clinton maintains that one of her reasons for not conceding the democratic nomination to Barack Obama, in the face of what seems to be an un-winnable situation for her, is to ensure that the campaign will be assassination-proof. To back up her claim that hey, accidents do happen, she reminds attendees that "Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." And you know, at the time, RFK was campaigning to be the democratic presidential nominee...kind of like Barack Obama is now, so you know...if...oh I don't know, someone were to, say... SHOOT Obama, which would never happen, but if it did...somebody - like me, Senator and Former First Lady Hillary Clinton - needs to be there to assume the nomination. Uh....whoa.
May 26, 2008: ZOMBIES!!!!!!
Among his many other superhuman abilities, Obama adds the capacity to see into the 4th dimension to his resume while speaking in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Apparently speaking to living and dead audiences alike, Obama leads off his speech with: "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes - and I see many of them in the audience here today..." Unlike the thousands of visible and alive individuals who had to wait in line to watch Obama give his Memorial Day Speech, spirits visiting from The Afterworld were given priority seating and backstage passes by the Senator, using special clairvoyant ether-sublimation technology never before utilized in any other Presidential Campaign.
OK, that should keep y'all busy for a while, but stay tuned...Part II will be coming soon. Remember, we haven't even GOTTEN to Sarah Palin yet!